For all you new parents out there, I have some advice for you. You may want to sit down. Tessa and I will soon be welcoming number three to our home and over the last 6 years, I’ve learned a few things. If it doesn’t help, it will at least make you laugh.

Gentlemen: If you never did your own laundry you better get used to reading care labels, because you are going to wash and ruin more things than you care to replace. When it doubt, wash it on cold. Dry on low. It might take longer, but you won’t ruin it… Well, unless it was dry clean only, but in that case you already messed up.

In addition to now doing more laundry, you get to purchase more things, smaller things than you are accustomed to, that are convenient when you are looking to trip in dim lighting or are carrying the aforementioned loads of laundry.

Your house will NEVER be clean again. God bless your efforts, because we all try yet find ourselves surrounded by fingerprints, crumbs, and Cheerios.

Say GOODBYE to date nights. 8:00 somehow becomes last call…. And it’s not for drinks, it’s potty checks. You will look longingly…. at the clock and wonder when you can close your eyes because you can’t remember the last time they felt like they weren’t bleeding.

Ladies: You are a giver of life. All he did was have some fun, so I understand that this is the time to make him earn it. If he doesn’t step it up while you are pregnant, give him some hints, we are slow learners. Try to explain things without crying or hitting him. I know it’s hard to control things when you are CREATING a HUMAN BEING from SCRATCH and carrying it around as it takes over the room typically filled with your ORGANS. Unlike you, we guys are soft, so be gentile. He will be less likely to cower or hide in the bathroom, which leads me to my next point for both sexes.

Parents: You will at some point go to stand up from sitting on the toilet and your legs will feel like they moved a few blocks away. You will try to step but will feel a searing pain, as your lower half resumes circulation. This is what I call the Hidinginthebathroombecauseineedabreakandhavenoprivacy Syndrome. But don’t be afraid, you see, the odds are slim that this will occur because most times you won’t be able to poop without having someone ask you for something they normally can’t have, like the car keys, or pound of chocolate.

They seem small, but don’t underestimate them. They are crafty and know you aren’t really listening to everything they are saying. Go ahead, Laugh. Soon enough you’ll have two movies ordered on your On Demand and pizza arriving at your door. You will have just finished experiencing the syndrome I talked about when you realize you are now having a house party of Tweens. This one isn’t from my past experience. I just see it coming and I’m preparing myself.
You will never…. ever…. ever… Regret pouring everything that you are into your children.

Of all the investments we can make,

time with our children yields the greatest of interest.

Keep them excited about spending time with you by being excited to have them in your lives. They are amazing miracles of God but that won’t stop them from sucking the life out of you at times.
I hope you have an amazing partner. Someone to tell you what a great parent you are when your kid(s) disagree(s). Someone to cry with you when your heart is broken upon seeing your daughter learn the lessons of heartbreak, or when your son is learning the meaning of gravity (or vice versa). Someone who will remind you that you are beautiful even when you “ugly cry” and won’t judge you when you want two large fries from McDonalds, even if you never eat McDonalds’ fries.

Whatever the craziness is that I encounter, I can’t count the number of times I am blessed everyday as I hang out with my kids. I hope it is the same for you.

So, I’ll leave you with this. Nothing that you have done so far on your own will ever feel as good as feeling their little arms wrapping around your neck as their bugger-crusted face meets with yours, and they land a slobbery wet kiss on your lips- like, open mouth style. You’ll turn and look at your child’s bright eyes and smiling face, and hear “Da-Da,” or “Ma-Ma.” It’s at this point that we realize why we trade the last calls for potty checks, our privacy for intimacy, and their experience over our cleanliness.

The thing I have the learned the most is that children just want you to be present in the moment, so enjoy these little windows of time where you are their provider, their hero, their encyclopedia, their janitor, their chef, the chauffeur, their laundry service, all the things… Because there are many people who would trade everything they have to have for what you have. Don’t wish one puke-filled minute away.

My kids are still little, but I am already in tears with their accomplishments. Being a parent is the greatest honor that I have ever received. I believe that if we all could realize this, maybe our neighborhoods, our towns, our states, and ultimately our country would be better places to be.

Your childhood is over, but you can relive it over again with them. Be silly. Make a mess. Turn over rocks. Pick something random and then learn about it. They are sponges ready to absorb whomever gives them attention. Let it be you, and let them learn things worth repeating… Oh, and have fun!